allizon | Sacking Up

Doing new things makes me uneasy. OK, clarification: doing new things with new people (or doing new people) makes me uneasy.

Can't help it, always been that way. Little nerdy shy kid deep in my heart of hearts.

I want to get past that, though. Don't know that I can make the unease go away, but need to ignore the unease and do the things I want to do/feel I need to do. I'm currently of the belief that we only get one shot at this life (All Beliefs Subject To Change Without Notice Upon Further Consideration; No Refunds), so why in fuck would I want to spend that chance scared of everything all the time?

Easy to say, difficult to do, of course.

Just a few minutes ago I did something new. Nothing huge, really--just sent a message to some girl I've never met via OKCupid. Don't expect anything to come of it, of course, but the girl seemed cool (and tall, we like tall) and I thought I should try it out, especially since I was scared to.

Yes, scared just to send a friendly message to someone.

(Must note here that said girl's in San Diego, almost 3,000 miles away. That made it safe. Even if we hit it off I don't have to worry just yet about actually meeting in person. Baby steps, baby steps.)

Traditionally, my self-image has been such that I've had difficulty understanding why any woman--anyONE, really, though I cared more about the opinions of women--would actually want much to do with me. Makes no sense at all, really. I'm a good person, bathe regularly, nice to children and animals, not unattractive.

Now it makes even less sense--married to an amazing woman, two gorgeous kids. Don't have to care anymore about the opinions of people I don't know...I'm already set. Other positive vibes are just gravy. So why the negativity, still?

Can't tell you. Told you it didn't make sense.

Well, we'll see how the message goes, see if San Diego Girl writes back. I'll try not to be disappointed if she doesn't--because what she does doesn't matter. What matters is what I did. Sacked up, for a change.